Hello, 2013.

In years past, I would spend time every December 31 writing a list of things I would either give up for the next year or vow to start doing.  And like all resolution-makers, I would charge forward into the New Year like some version of She-Ra, blade held high to kick the New Year's ass.  And, also like most resolution-makers, that blade of promise got heavy after, oh, about three weeks and I would give up, return to my old ways, and feel disappointed in myself.  Disappointed that I wasn't strong enough to make "real" change in my life.  Instead of the New Year bringing an opportunity for hope, it brought a sense of: Dammit.  I'm up to my old tricks again.  Why can't I just get this being perfect thing right?

And so, a few years ago I ditched the resolution-making.  Instead of resolving to change something about my current self, I've begun to use the end of the year as a time to reflect on the good parts.  How the previous year has changed me rather than me changing it.

2012 has been spectacular.  The best year of my life by far.  Not because of some external circumstance but because of the internal ones.  The ones that matter more.  This past year was the year that I began to love the person that I am.  Flaws and disability and all.

Don't get me wrong.  I still nag at my own self all the time.  That's human nature. We all do it.  About others but especially about ourselves. Judge, judge judge; belittle, belittle, belittle. You know, that voice that says if-everyone-knew-this-about-me-they-would-run-the-other-way.

Today, for example, I inhaled my lunch in four minutes. Literally. Food hung out of the sides of my mouth as I shoveled more in.  And I did think to myself, Gee, Heather, you really should slow down.  This is pretty disgusting. I am a fast eater.  It's such a nasty habit. And I made a mental note to practice eating more slowly so that I don't freak out my next date.


Part of the self-acceptance has come in accepting all parts of myself without (too much) judgment.  Even the part that eats her food like a starving crocodile.   And I'm happy to report that in the loving myself, changes have happened naturally--without my needing to pummel and punish myself into some new shape.  Some better version of me.  The changes have been slow-growing, but I find myself on the other end of this year a completely different person than I was at its beginning.  There is a new hope inside of me.  A sense that I deserve greatness.  Not in a selfish way.  In the way that I finally get it.  I finally get what I'm worth. I finally get that I have all of these gifts and talents and, most of all, love to give and be appreciated for.  Just like we all do.

And so I look forward to 2013 and the gifts that it will bring.  And I wish for you, dear reader, a year of abundance and joy.